i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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