so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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