I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
