My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
