I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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