Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
