Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
