i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
