I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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