My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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