So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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