I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize