I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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