I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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