I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
