Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
