I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
