an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
