so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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