a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
