Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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