The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
