I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
