I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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