peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
