I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
