Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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