I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
did you just send me my own nude
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
