I just saw a hot homeless man
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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