I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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