So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize