I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
