I like to think it a success when the cops are called
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
