OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'd cum for enchiladas.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
