dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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