remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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