apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
