Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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