We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
