Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
