Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize