I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
