Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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