I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
