is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
