am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
