Can i not drive my cunt home
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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