for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
