How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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