It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
