I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We got so high we made milksteak
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
