My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
