Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
