listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
